teardrop

Hey blood brother, you’re one of our own. Your sharp as a razor and your heart is a stone. Hey blood brother, you’re bad to the bone. You’re a natural killer in a bad place alone.

Committed to success through integrity and innovation. That’s what this website says about me. That’s one of the goals for my life…to strive for that commitment and make it part of my modus operandi.

I’ve built a business model on providing solutions for my clients. This model has provided income that allows me to provide solutions for others in my life; friends, family, other. Yet, at the end of the day I am forced to realize and accept the fact that I have shortchanged myself because I haven’t been willing to place my own life in the critical lens, geared towards a workable solution, that I’ve provided others with for years.

In fact, there has been a part of me that decided to try and find these quick solutions for my life. I’ve been on more prescription medications for ADHD/Focus this year than I’d like to admit. Run. Run Run. The work was getting accomplished, for others, while I felt as if I could wholly neglect the man behind the wheel; myself. These medications are now traveling somewhere in the Dallas sewer system.

Fear. Fear. Fear. It’s been a creeping beast that I thought I had begun to conquer. Clearly, I’ve only begun the fight to reprogram myself. And those ‘battles’ I thought had been won are little more than warm-up exercises for the deep underlying programming that has pinpointed me to a position of fear and anxiety.

And things were going so well.

Well, that’s the issue. Thinking that you’ve reached a point of deep emotional victory, you sometimes forget to see the beast that’s right in front of you. Sometimes our issues are so small that we cannot see them. Other times they are so huge that we cannot see them for what they really are; requiring a step – or a hundred – back to see these for what they are.

So, how am I feeling? I could tell you what my life looks like, on an external level, which would do little more than describe a surface-level experience that is quite attractive.

If I’m really, really honest with myself and take a critical look at my own life, there are a lot of things to process. Self-medication comes in all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and experiences. I’ve had many disturbing experiences in my life that creep up and latch on to anxiety that they may occur again, even though they’ve been years removed. 

There’s no good reason not to be happy or full of peace. The real question I have to ask myself is whether or not I’m attempting to live more lives than my own; taking control and responsibility for others when I have not even begun to take care of my personal to-do list of the character and integrity I want to see in my life on a regular basis.

Fear. We want affirmation to ease our insecurities and anxiety troubles. Yet, I’m beginning to wonder if this is really the solution anymore than taking a pill, drink, or other. I’d like to find a personal place of wellbeing that is self-fueled and self-motivated; utilizing external affirmation as a supplemental boost to the inner character that I live and breathe.

There’s a lot of bullshit in the world.

Featured Image From Deviantart

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