I have a feeling this blog will get more clicks than others, solely because of its title. Nonetheless, there are a few things I wanted to share today that have been on my mind recently.
For most of my childhood years, I found myself trapped in a situation I couldn’t get out of; I never felt like I had enough time with my parents. Why? Because their time was divided between six children; resulting in an unequal balance of attention given from our parents. More often than not, I’d default to ‘bad behavior’ because it resulted in me getting 1-1 time with Mom or Dad.
As much as I wanted things to be equal and fair, right down the middle, it was an impossible ask for two people rasing six children. Yet, even if they somehow managed to give me a perfectly ‘fair’ measure of their time, I’d still be trapped in more moments without the 1-1 I wanted.
Time was a difficult concept for me to understand as a child – much less, the toil it takes to be a parent. Once I became a parent, I saw things through an entirely different lens.
As soon as Atlas was old enough to respond to verbal requests, he was also old enough to ignore them. The same could be said for rules…
How I salvaged most of my sanity during that time (and now) was having an intentional sit-down with myself where I thought:
“Atlas is 3. I’m in my 30’s. I should be at least 10 times more patient with him than I am an adult.”
The Ratio/Gearbox
Mentally, I created a little ‘gearbox’ with a 10:1 ratio, and used that mental tool as a pre-determined reminder to safeguard myself for the moments where parenting gets tough.
Ratios count for an awful lot, especially when you apply them to people in your life.
For example, I have a hard want for ‘justice’ and ‘equality’ in a conversation/argument/fight. However, just like my desire for ‘equal’ time with my parents – it’s impossible to ask for equality with every single person in your life – every single time.
I know somebody who comes from a culture where ‘please’ isn’t part of their vocubulary. Literally. As a result, when they ask for something, it’s rarely accompanied by a ‘please’.
That drove me nuts…until I applied the ratio tool.
“9 times out of 10, you won’t hear please. Get used to it and be thankful for the 1/10 times it does happen. It’s not rude. It’s culture. Get over it.”
Winning a fight doesn’t mean you always need to throw a punch. Rather, it’s having the presence of mind to know when not to.
Perspective counts for an awful lot – especially in a fight.
The Box
Another useful tool to win a fight is a box. What kind of a box? Any box will do.
Recently, I put a box between Atlas and I on the coffee table. I asked him one question:
“Atlas, what color is the box?”
“Green!” he exclaimed.
“No. It’s black.” I said, before asking him again:
“What color is the box?”
“Green!” he said again.
This time, I flipped the box around and showed him my side. It was black.
“Atlas, can you say ‘perspective’?” I asked. Then, I got up from my side of the table and stood with him. Then, I asked him to walk over to my side of the couch and look at my side of the box.
“Atlas, when people come together – they see the other side of the box.”
In my life, there are a few people who have boxes that I need to understand better. After all, I’ve been staring at ‘my side’ of the box for my entire life – and I know it in my heart.
When I surrender the ‘box’ I’ve been looking at, I see things differently.
Sometimes you lose fights because you’re really fighting yourself and your own stubborness to flip your box around.
Once, I went out to dinner with somebody that didn’t thank me after the dinner – something I didn’t pay any attention to until I got to my car.
As soon as I realized it, I noticed ‘angry Aaron’ preparing an arsenal of rude responses to serve her in the future.
Something stopped me, and I decided to release those thoughts.
“God, what do I do here?” I asked.
If you’ve ever seen a canister of dry ice poured onto the floor (thank you, COSI) you’ll have a clear picture of what I experienced when I heard one word, plain as day:
WAIT.
‘Angry Aaron’ shut up in a flash – and I had peace. Instantly.
Two days later, the same person told me: “I want to take you out as a thank you for all that you’ve done lately.”
She didn’t know it, but I watched as an important breakthrough happened in my mind; the value of time. Had I responded ‘in the moment’ instead of ‘in the season’ the outcome would have been much different. Instead of creating conflict, I had the best Chinese food in DFW.
Sometimes the best way to win a fight is to retreat in your corner and let your coach cut the blood out of your swollen eyes so you can see clearly.
How do you win a fight? You don’t. There are no winners in a fight. Only losers.
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