Your Disco

Today, I had the interesting opportunity to speak with my younger brother, Joshua. You can read a bit more about him in the “My family” section of this site. Josh is 11 years old, and doing his very best to grow up as a strong man without the aid of having a living father. As his older brother, there’s a strong inner wrestling match that goes on between where my heart lies and where my mind knows my life needs to be in order to both develop properly on a personal level, but to also show him what it means to be a strong older brother/man. It was refreshing to speak to him. That will be all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of risk and what it means to be successful. Since moving to Los Angeles, I have done much better for myself than I have in previous years. However, I’ve also had more harsh talks with clients, others, and even my own internal dialogue. This is not how I operate, nor how I would like to continue to operate. I’ve always been somebody dedicated to finding solutions where they did not first exist. And I believe it’s time for me to return to this commitment to excellence, even if I am transitioning out of the world of web design/consulting. My primary concern is making things right – and better than right – for current clients that are dissatisfied with their services, regardless of the reason, and moving forward with a reconciled relationship. Period. That will be all.

Last night, I took a miniature vacation and spent a few hours at Santa Monica beach. This week has been incredibly stressful for me. And I felt an urgent need/want to get away for a few hours and ponder the future/present state of affairs. Sitting on the beach, I gained a refreshed perspective of the ever-going current of our lives. Even if I wanted to, it would have been impossible for me to prevent even one of the mighty waves from crashing on the shore. It was an awesome display of ongoing power. It helped me put into perspective the things that are stressing me to the point of anxiety waves. That will be all.

It’s amazing what the subconscious is capable of doing through our dreams. In the past, I would have attributed all of these actions to the divine. Nowadays, I can’t quite say all things are supernatural, even if that’s where the core origin of everything has come from. There’s a supplement I take (all natural, champ) called ZMA, which has an incredible impact on the quality of your dreams/sleep. Rather than making you fall asleep, it allows you to have full-length dreams in very, very short time periods. I’d highly suggest taking it. What it does, for me, is provide a sleeping environment where I’m able to discover various personal flaws, find solutions, and wake up refreshed. Check it out! That will be all.

Yesterday marked the four year anniversary of my Dad passing. As expected, the day was one of the worst I’ve had in quite some time. I suppose that’s to be expected. There’s the constant struggle that wonders whether or not I’m living up to the standard I’d like to have shown him. Am I living the best way possible, or just screwing up my life? These questions, as outrageous as they may sound, must be asked. When a man dies and leaves behind a family of eight (Mom, Steven, Tyler, Lydia, Me, Mark, Julia, Joshua), once can’t help but wonder what void will be felt upon his departure.

How does one react to the death of a father? We all have our various methods of processing it. Mine has been to work hard to become financially successful and some day provide for our family. It’s a driving factor that has often slipped into the back of my mind. However, this dream/goal needs to be jump-started every now and then so that it can be realized. I’d devote my entire life to meeting this goal. The contradictory nature of this statement is that I often fail to devote short afternoons towards the realization of this goal.

There are some things that were never meant to be shared. Nor will they be shared.

That, my friend, will be all.

See you soon, Superman.
5/31/57 – 07/29/07

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