Void

There was something my grandfather wrote, concerning his father, that really stood out to me. While I may not be quoting him properly, I’ll do my best. He stated that he didn’t think often of his father, but when he did, he remembered him as being a tall and strong man who commanded respect. And, when the moment was just right, with the sound of the world being shut down and the forest wind whispering into his ear, he said that his father would show up. He would show up during those moments and remind him that he would never leave. I’ll have to do a more elegant way of writing this…possibly by simply quoting him for what he said, rather than the way I remembered it.

Growing older, I have come to realize a very similar tone and method to my own life; finding traces of my father, grandfather, and even great-grandfather in my life when I take a moment to calm myself down, slow down my thought processes, and listen to the sound my heart makes. When you take a moment, do you hear it? It wants to be heard.

This afternoon, I unfortunately continued in my recent chain of happenings by committing an action I was not proud of. Rather than keeping my cool, I spoke harsh words to somebody I actually care a great deal about. Regardless of the circumstances, or whether or not the colorful words could have been justified (which is somewhat useless to mention, as I can justify about anything) the circumstance did not sit right with me. It is one thing to be bluntly honest and stand up for yourself. And it is altogether another thing to be a gentleman that knows when to bite his tongue. Unfortunately, I have not always found this delicate line of discernment, and I feel this process will be a lifetime journey of constant refinement. Even the deepest and most sincere apology would fail to convey the way I feel inside about this happening.

Recently, I had a conversation with another friend of mine who questioned me about my faith. While I haven’t been a regular at church (only having attended once since moving to California) I would say that my faith is still strong, if not stronger than it has been in the past. Since moving here, I have been attacked by a firestorm of ideas that have been contradictory to everything I was raised to believe. And it’s been incredibly difficult for me to find true wisdom and discernment in terms of discovering what it, in fact, good and true. Fortunately, I was able to sit down with a pastor who was kind enough to spend several hours answering questions about the legitimacy, history, and importance of the bible. He was able to share things with me that I couldn’t have dreamt of learning. And it was a foundational piece that I needed to attach to my faith. The bible is not an accident, nor to be taken lightly.

I believe every body must go through a period of time where their faith is discovered, tested, and put through the refining fire. Often, many will steer clear of the things that make them uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to stay in a ‘safe’ zone than it is to question or dig deep into your faith; exploring what you already know is too safe for many, though the true gold lies past the comfortable boundaries many others have set. I know what I believe because I know it to be true, not because I’m afraid that it might be. How many are seemingly obedient and faithful in their beliefs out of pure fear, rather than exhilaration and love? And yet I have a very difficult time not shedding a tear as I hear the weekly singing of the bible study that goes on right next to my house.

For the record, this blog title is from the song “Void” by TIm Skold.

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