It’s another one of those times where it feels like life is somehow slipping through my fingers and I cannot begin to grasp it. Reminded, yet again, of how quickly things can happen and change in just a short period of time. Tender love turns to harsh loathing. Tears of laughter flow freely as reminders of the pain life brings. The depressed heart becomes lifted beyond the mountain peaks. The weak become strong.
I will change everything
Become your greatest ally and most hated enemy
Light the flame of burning passion
And barricade the vibrant soul into cold emptiness
I will make great fortunes
Yet plunder those who do not fear me
I ripen beauty, only to destroy it
You can never stop me
I’m priceless beyond measure
Yet no man can buy me
I am time.
Time. Time. Time. Perhaps there may be a day where I can one day be in rest. Now is not that time. While intentionally making myself take a sabbatical, I find it difficult to lay here, doing nothing. My actions may stop, but the mind will never cease to race.
Staring at that empty futon, my heart longs to see Mark sprawled, covered in his blanket and demanding I turn off the lights. My best friend has left me to pursue his own destiny. Oh, that we could all be so fortunate as to do the same. Working out, I think of the fighting spirit he carried, pushing through impossible weight sets with near-robotic motions, each rep pushing out a forceful breath of air. He reminded me it is possible to do the improbable. My heart still aches from the moment his body fell to the floor in that 8-sided ring. Where is Mark?
She haunts me. I felt, for the first time in many years, something. Yet another piece of the puzzle that has created the outline of just who and what it is that my heart longs for. Each piece of this puzzle begs to be the one, yet it is simply one part to help create a whole. The heart breaks as each piece of this puzzle goes on to find their other half. An empty outline remains. Staring into the outline, I long to discover eyes that have not yet met. The glance that became a lifetime. Piece by piece, this outline comes to the surface. All it requires is simply a heart.
I have said goodbye to a great many of these individuals. With great cost comes great value. I think to the times where I have simply held her in my arms, closing my eyes and praying the moment could last forever. In that moment, everything is right. Complete. Timeless. And yet time ticks. The moment is not complete. Everything is not right. Eyes open to see a face that I know will never be the right one. In that second, I have the cold realization that I must not continue. Tick tick tick. Those seconds scream by my face and I desperately wish time could stop, for, if it could, that moment would be perfect and complete. Time never fails to remind me it is unstoppable, thus shattering the hope for a complete moment.
And so we move on. Six days. Six days. I love you. I love you. I love you. Three words, spoken by a thief who has trespassed upon property not his to step upon.