Moon Again

6:19 and I know I’m ready.

These past few days/weeks/months have been nothing short of crazy. I’ve learned a lot about people, clients, myself, and religion. In short, since there’s nothing short of crazy in these topics, things have been crazy.

I’m reminded of the quote from Alice In Wonderland where Alice talks about the journey she experienced the day prior, how it was no longer applicable to her today. My yesterday is quite different than my today. My beliefs yesterday are no longer my beliefs today. And I question the person I am in these new times. I look in the mirror and wonder if I am truly proud of the man that I see.

No man should walk with a feeling of shame on his face. Worse, still, is when a young man walks as if his entire body bears the shame he carries. I witnessed this the other day with somebody very close to me. And I was horrified.

Never in my life have I felt as if I’ve lacked direction more. I’m not quite spinning out of control. However, I’m certainly not in control of where I’d like to be.

There used to be a time where I’d wake up in the morning and have a feeling that I was waking up to serve my purpose. I’ve lost that.

December has proven to be quite a month for me. However, it’s also proving to be a challenge and a reminder that life does not happen on its own. For me, somebody with high ambitions and hopes for my life, it’s going to be mission critical that I gain control and begin revving up the engine of my life, in whatever capacity that entails. However, where I’m at is not it.

The recent situation with the girl getting beat in our parking garage has left a serious mark on me. I used to think there was a shred of good in humanity, that others would rise to the occasion and help somebody being savagely beaten. However, it didn’t happen. And I begin to wonder whether or not that woman would have gotten killed had it not been for my roommate and I jumping to action.

Inside I begin to question what is more repulsive; others not jumping to help somebody else facing a life-threatening situation, or those who do not respond to their own lives when opportunity knocks.

Deep inside, I feel the realization that I’m failing to live up to the standards and expectations that my father and grandfather set with their lives. Twenty-four years old and I haven’t done a thing other than spin off on a few crazy adventures, started a few business ventures, and reached for the stars only to find my hands empty.

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