playing tonight

If I had to describe the way the past few months have been, it would be hard to tell you exactly what happened. I’m reminded of the phrase from Alice In Wonderland…”I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning,’ said Alice a little timidly: ‘but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” The same can be said of the past few months.

In this journey of life, I cannot help but feel like the main character in a play where everybody else seems to have a much better idea of going on than I do. When I was younger, I was in a similar circumstance; part of a play where everybody else seemed to know what was going on, even though I had several main parts in the show. I remember reading from the script as an entire crowd watched me perform in the opening scene. It must have looked very funny to have watched a small child play the role of an office worker.

It must be very funny to watch a young man play the role of somebody dying to be successful and independent.

In many ways, I feel as if I’ve played my last trick. Every part of me wants to continue onward and upward, while the mind in me is telling me that I have come to the point where life must choose one side or another in the forked road.

I have prayed for clarity and breakthrough, to no avail but empty hands clenched together against my brow.

Truth be told, my entire life has been a large facade. I only admit this fact because it will help me find redemption and a final breakthrough of becoming the man I long to be.

All around me are half-read books, half-finished ideas, half-assed relationships, half-completed to-do lists, half-furnished apartment, half-cleaned car…the list goes on.

My entire life has amounted to nothing more than somebody who has gone half the distance and stopped short of reaching the goal. When I die, I do not want to have been known for my potential, but my accomplishments. At the rate I’m going, I will be nothing more than a young man who could have…

Could have done more. Could have loved more. Could have made more. Could have experienced more. Could have finished more. Could have laughed more. Could have worked more.

I am half-way full and entirely empty.

G-d – I have tried for many years to do things on my own, on my own terms, path, and mind. I do not doubt you’ve given me incredible potential or ability, but it has not availed me anything I can be proud of because it is all a fraction of what it could have been. Life has kicked me to my knees and I cannot continue in the way I am going. In every instance, I have tried to be strong but this time I cannot continue to walk on broken bones. Please send somebody to help me learn to walk and run with endurance. 

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