Enough

For a good portion of my life, I’ve felt that I’m not good enough, smart enough, successful enough or wealthy enough. You could say that ‘enough deficiency’ has been a central theme of my years as a human being.

When I was an aspiring NBA player, playing in recreation center basketball leagues, I went over four years without making a single basket. It became a running joke in my family that I internally battled; I was desperate to make that buzzer-beating shot and prove them all wrong. It never happened. However, my family was all present the night I finally scored two points, and that meant the world to me.

If I’m honest, I’ve burned a lot of my energy trying to be something that I’m not – or trying to be something/somebody that I was never meant to be. A 20-something Aaron Plaat wanted nothing more than to be the CEO of a company and rake in millions, because I wanted the be recognized for doing something ‘great’. That desire was little more than my own attempt to mask how deeply I felt like I wasn’t…enough.

“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.” – Tyler Durden

Over the past few weeks, I’ve found a new realm that triggers my ‘not enough’ mentality; working in the garage on my car(s). When I was younger, I remember working alongside my Dad while he worked on our family cars. He seemed to know how to do anything that required a wrench, despite being a computer programmer. That innate skill-set seems to have evaded me, as I still wrestle to ‘use the right tool for the job’ when I work on things that require them.

Not long ago, I decided to replace the spark plugs in my Volvo XC90. After watching a handful of YouTube videos, and even going to far as to buy the right tools for the job, I boldly charged into the garage to begin the change. I was excited, because I felt as if I finally had something I could do with ease. After all, the mechanics on Youtube seemed to make it look as simple as loosening a few bolts and dropping in the new plugs.

I even went so far as to set a stopwatch timer on my phone, thinking the job would take me less than 30 minutes. What I didn’t factor into the repair were the 119,000 miles of wear on my existing spark plugs and their steadfast determination not to come undone.

While I was doing my best to take them out, I heard a faint cracking sound. My heart nearly stopped beating. I cracked one of the spark plugs, which is the absolute last thing you want to do, because the small particles can get into the cylinder head and require a dismantling of the engine.

On my XC90, that job would cost between $6,000-8,500.

In a panic, I called my trustworthy mobile mechanic, who doubled as my therapist that day. When I called him, I was a few ticks away from having a full-blown panic attack because of my mistake.

An hour later, he showed up with a camera boroscope, outfitted my shop vac with a small tube, and got to work sucking out the tiny bits of ceramic that could have caused a total engine failure. Once that was finished, he finished the spark plug/ignition coil installation and gave me a bill for $150.

How I felt that day was something I’ll never forget. The adrenaline spike, fused with anxiety, left me absolutely lifeless and unable to do anything productive for the rest of the day. However, that day also taught me an important lesson; sometimes it’s better to truly take your time and not rush through things.

This week, I came close to having another blunder (or two) in the garage. After buying a new Throttle Cam response unit from Only944.com, I was beyond confident that I could install it myself. Yet, after I installed the disc, I couldn’t figure out how to give the cable enough slack to prevent my engine from idling at 3,000 RPM. As a result, I put on the old one and retreated back to my computer.

This went on for a period of 3 days. Each time I went back inside, I felt more defeated than the last.

Late last night, I had a phone call with a longtime friend of mine, who shared with me that he was processing the death of his parents before it had happened, citing random moments of sadness, weeping and pain that seemed to come out fo nowhere. In the middle of our call, something told me to try something different on the cam install; bringing the tensioning cable toward the body of the car, instead of away from it – as GPT advised me to do.

Five minutes later, the cam was properly installed. When I took it for a ride in the morning, I was blown away at what a difference a $30 part could make on the performance of the car; every touch of the gas pedal delivered a satisfying surge of power and speed. The Porsche finally felt the way a Porsche ought to feel; fast, responsive and mean.

As part of my morning cruise, I stopped by Auto Zone to pick up a new fuel tank strainer. From the counter, I noticed one of the employees had walked over to the door and stood there, admiring the 944.

“Man, that car is BADASS” he said, before inquiring about the year it was.

I stopped to tell him a bit about the car and the ten-year journey it took before I had the keys in my hand, beaming with joy and healthy pride as I spoke. Part in hand, I walked out to fire it up and pull away from the store.

It takes a lot of work to overcome feeling like you aren’t enough. What I’ve learned is that it’s a lifelong journey of one step forward – three steps backward. However, each step forward brings with it something that wasn’t there before; knowledge, experience and satisfaction.

Some people like cars that are ‘point A to point B’ requiring little-to-no maintenance. Others prefer cars that are constantly ready for their next upgrade or tune-up, not because they like cars that break down but because there’s a part of their curiosity that says “I wonder how she’ll drive after I do X…” and then they go out and do it.

I find myself more in the boat of the latter. In similar fashion, I’ve found that the journey to acceptance of myself is also one that’s required a lot of tune-ups along the way.

When I look at the 944, I see a car that warrants a lifetime of love, time and tuning. It’s not because the car will break down, as it has a very robust engine and mechanical components. Rather, it’s because the car was designed for so much more than what it was when it rolled off the assembey plant line in Germany.

I think the lesson to learn here is that human beings were designed to become more than who they were when they rolled off the ‘assembly line’; each of us has unique challenges to overcome, victories to conquer in the day-to-day moments, and the purpose of looking behind in the rearview mirror and remarking:

“Look at how far we’ve come.”