It’s been a while since I’ve penned a blog. Usually when time goes by without an entry, a lot is going on in my life.
Well, that’s most certainly the case. In the last few weeks, a lot has changed in my world. I’ve become a father, published a book, learned a few hard lessons and have continued to put one foot in front of the other.
Before being a Dad, I wish I had taken more time to really think about the things in my life that would change, and make a plan for how I would respond to the sudden entrance of an infant. Everything changes, they say, but I the transition was much greater than I anticipated – and I’ve done my best to adapt.
Few things make you take a look in the mirror like having a baby. At 33, I’ve had enough years under my belt as a single guy to have racked up a tremendous amount of memories all over the world.
Now, things are different. There’s this new energy in my life that perpetually requires some level of involvement, care and time. Atlas is here, and sometimes I wonder what the next few years will look like as he grows older.
Despite my want to look ahead, I’ve learned the hard lesson(s) that come when you aren’t present to the moment in front of you.
Writing this, I’m looking at my son take a huge yawn – and lets out a big #2…
Suddenly, time stops. I realize that every moment is perfect in its own right, way and shape.
For my entire life, I’ve had to fight for things that I want. I’ve had to work with my own blood, sweat and tears to put food on the table – and have gone through many chapters where the table stood bare for days on end.
I’ve done my absolute best to be a good person, son, brother, friend and human being. Admittedly, there have been a lot of moments where I wasn’t sure if I was doing a great job – good enough.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that my desire to feel like I’m doing a good job isn’t always helped by the occupation I have. Not only in agency life are clients a perpetual come-and-go, you rarely get the sort of ‘performance review’ you might in a traditional J-O-B that helps you fall asleep at night.
The older I get, the more I’ve had to come to terms with my own feelings of insufficiency, doubt and fear. They exist – and they always will. This isn’t some sort of bloodsport where the victor emerges between my fears/goals. Rather, it’s a chess game, where you can go a lot further when you understand your demons and put them to work for you, than if you try and banish them from your life.
A lot of things are changing in my life right now, and I’m doing my absolute best to ride the waves as they come, rather than be crushed by them.