For many years, I’ve stared at an empty screen and watched as my words filled the blank canvas with their tales. I’ve never been one of the writers to sit in front of a typewriter while waiting for inspiration to strike. The words just flow, it seems.
And other times, they don’t. When they don’t, they build up inside of me; waiting for the right moment to be released. Most of the time, when I haven’t written something for a while, it’s an indicator there’s a lot going on in my life/head.
Well, there’s been a lot going through my head lately. These past few weeks, I’ve spent many recent hours talking to people who offer their ears, advice, and time. From friends/family, to a toll-free hotline, I’ve found love, support, and encouragement in a time where I need it.
One thing I’ve learned from my life is that when you go astray, you will encounter people along your way who remind you of the ‘song in your heart’. That song is a tune only you can hear, because it was made for you.
When I look back at my life, I see a beautiful orchestra that has gone through many iterations, transformations and key changes. It hasn’t always been a pretty pop song; it has been a journey of life, love, heartbreak, joy, and healing.
It’s a wonderful life.
This afternoon, I drove to CMH airport to pick up Joshua. On the way back home to surprise our Mom with his presence, we stopped at the plant to see the 944. Every time I visit Nate, something is different about her. With great delight, he shares the changes (and challenges he’s overcome) he’s made to bring her one step closer to perfection.
3 years. 500+ hours. Nate has done more than transform a car, he’s demonstrated a measure of unconditional love for me that I’ve rarely encountered.
For most of my life, I’ve wrestled to feel like I’m good enough. At the heart of this has been a personal fear that I’m not worthy of somebody’s love. Inside, I’ve felt like there is something wrong with me, or that I’m somehow a fraud.
Those fears manifested in abusive relationships where I’ve been on the receiving end of cheating, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and costly financial repercussions.
I was raised by two parents who never fought in front of their children – or called each other names. They loved each other unconditionally, and treated each other with respect – through their shortcomings – until they were parted eternally through Dad’s cancer.
When I look back on my upbringing, I realize just how good I had it. My parents did everything they could to encourage, uplift, and motivate me to be me. And that was good enough for them. Me.
Everybody goes through hardship in their life, but I somehow lost my way and forgot what it meant to be treated with love, respect, and unconditional love. As a result, I encountered many difficult situations that took a heavy toll on me…and my spirit.
Today, I was reminded how loved I am, and how worthy of love I am, by my family, Nate, and conversation with a friend.
See, Nate isn’t just working on the car because it’s something he has to do. It’s something that he gets to do. And he’s doing it with love – for me. Those 500+ hours, in my mind, far exceed the cost of a Lamborghini, because I know Nate’s worth, experience, and value.
Some people get emotional when they learn the story of Jesus, who paid the price for their sins. I see Nate working on the car, and feel a similar wave of humility, grace, and joy when the truth hits home; he’s doing it for me.
“Aaron…you’re worth it.” Is the reminder I heard when I saw Her today.
That’s when I heard the song of my heart. It has been drowned out for far too long, and I feel it is time to return home to it…and lose myself in the dance.
Wherever you are, whatever you are going through, I hope you remember that you, too, are worth it.