Pax

This morning, I woke up with a specific wordphrase stuck in my head. I had to meditate on it and unpack what it meant to me as I rolled it around in my brain.

“Convicted by your love.”

Yesterday at church, I listened to the pastor speak about salvation, and he said something that gave me pause.

“Every time we willingly choose to sin, we are crucifying Jesus all over again.”

You might want to read that over a few times, similar to how I had to re-think it multiple times in order to process the gravity of his words.

He went on to talk about his weekend, where he worked outside in the hot Texas heat before returning inside to grab an ice cold cup of water; describing the ‘ahh’ moment he felt as soon as he walked into the air conditioning.

“That’s what the peace of God feels like” he said.

On this plane[t], there aren’t many things that provide a true sense of peace. For example, the last day of a vacation rarely feels as refreshing as the first; in most cases, you’re somewhat ready to return back to ‘normal life’ and the familiar feeling of being back in your home. The first ten minutes of a bath (as I took this morning) are far more relaxing and peaceful than the last ten minutes. The thrill of buying a new car often dissipates the first time you have to take it in for a major service at your local mechanic.

On ground level, there’s an interesting thing that happens to all life forms; they have an intrinsic relationship with each other that often displays itself in a process of renewal. For example, when a bird dies and falls to the ground, its bodie decays and ultimately becomes fertilizer for the trees it once nested in. In similar fashion, the berries the bird eats (while alive) is processed and becomes little squirts of fertilizer for the plants and tress beneath its wings.

Whales eat plankton before their death. Once they die, their decomposed bodies become a large meal for the plankton they once ate – as well as for a horde of other oceanic creatures.

What’s interesting about this cycle is that no matter how many times decomposed organisms recycle themselves, they can never recycle themselves into the sun and become a part of its abundant energy. However, the sun provides all life below it with an energy source that most living beings require for their very survival.

Read that again.

In similar fashion, there are a lot of things in this world that can provide a temporary sense of peace as we process them – just as a bird eats berries. However, all of these things pass through our system and ultimately exit them with the spiritual grace of diarreha.

This weekend, I spent a large amount of time connecting with a friend who is also a single parent. During our conversations, they described how weary and tired they felt; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I reflected back on my own period of life where I felt that way, and shared the one thing that finally gave me respite in the chaos and weariness.

God.

At that time, no amount of money could have given me the peace and rest my spirit was craving. No vacation or trip would have recharged me. No yoga class provided me with a firm foundation that my mind and spirit could truly rest on. Rather, it was a decision to surrender and say “Ok” to God; welcoming Him into my life and giving over control that wasn’t ever mine to begin with.

I look back at every moment of fear, doubt, anxiety and pain and can clearly see the instances where, through it all, God was there. From the conversations I had with Sister J, to the countless unexpected blessings that have appeared in my life, I can see a steady presence of God’s hand on my life.

This isn’t to say that I still don’t battle from dark moments or poor choices. Both of those are still prevalent in my life despite my best efforts to do things differently. What I’ve seen is a transformation that can only be described as a journey of breaking the habit of looking at my circumstances (or environment) with hopes that it will somehow provide me with ‘lasting’ peace, love and satisfaction.

I don’t believe that anybody can ever fully understand God, any more than somebody can know every detail about every living creature on this plane[t]. However, I do believe that even as human beings, we can choose to reorient ourselves to gleaning our peace, love and satisfaction from the Creator, rather than the disposable, short-lived things that money can buy.