Offer[ing]

“My secret is that I need God–that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love.”

Today, I watched two videos that had polarizing impacts on my spirit. One was a video that professed to be truth, with lies weaved in between the truth. The other was intentionally profane, with elements of goodness weaved into its disturbing content. The first reminded me of how far I’ve come, while the latter reminded me of where I have been. Both displayed drastic differences that were somehow related to each other.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that can no longer accept the principles of right and wrong; everything must be a shade of grey, rather than absolute truths being allowed to exist without fear of being labeled as oppressive bigotry.

I once saw a pastor give a sermon showing the gradual steps that our culture has taken away from morality and unfettered belief in the one true G-d. Step by step, we have strayed from what we once were. Millions are simply statistics – one person has a heartbeat. I, too, have recognized the moments in my life where I strayed and stumbled away.

Last night, I listened to “The Finish Line” (lyrics here) and couldn’t help but identify with the songwriter as he spoke of his long journey that ended with a collapse into the arms of his Savior.

“And I gasped as I saw him fall in His arms at the Finish Line…”

Every now and then, I pull out one of my old essays, titled “Wake Up” that gave a play-by-play of my fraternity life experience. In the past, it was a mark of pride that a young, homeschooled boy was able to successfully live in one of the top fraternities at OSU. Nowadays, I look back at those days and wonder who I was.

In the past few months, there was a moment where I realized my faith was being stretched to an extreme. After a long, hateful rant against Christianity, heard from somebody I am quite close with, I rolled over in my bed and internally screamed for Truth to make itself clear. I remember praying “G-d….I need you.” And it was in this moment of spiritual desperation that my clarity came at once. No more questioning.

Believe.

Another leap. Another day. One more lion to slay.

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