I’ve met a lot of interesting people in my life. Across many countries, languages, spectrums and backgrounds; I’ve had a privilege in meeting a colorful choir of people in my life journey.
Few were more colorful than my friend, Ryan. To this day, I still can’t spell his last name correctly – or pronounce it.
I met him years ago while on the dance floor at a club in San Francisco. He was the new boyfriend of a friend of mine – and former roommate. I won’t forget the way he gave me a hug; it was pure love.
I was going to delve into another line of thought, but thought it’d be appropriate to stop and reflect on those hugs.
Ryan didn’t just give you a hug; he gave you himself. He managed to capture all of the boyish energy, joy and charm he had when he rushed in to hug you. You never quite knew if you were going to get lifted off the ground, either; the enthusiasm he carried was so strong.
Life gives you these strange intersections of people. You see them for a minute, and the next thing you know…they’re somewhere else.
Ryan was a similar spirit as both my older brother – and Dad. I saw a little bit of them both whenever I looked into his eyes – and especially in those bear hugs.
During that intersection of my life, I spent a lot more time in underground clubs than in a church. That cornicopia of a crowd was often disorienting if you didn’t have a friend in the group. People like Ryan helped me feel at home. Safe.
At that time, one of the ‘gifts’ I’d give others (a practice borrowed from Burning Man) was a shoulder massage. Usually, I’d be parked outside in the smoking section and working on somebody while talking to another.
Of everybody I gave a massage to, there was one person who I loved giving them to the most. You guessed it. Ryan.
Whenever I’d offer, he’d quickly turn me down – insisting that he would come back later in the night when he was ‘ready’ for it.
A few hours later, he’d emerge from the crowd in a black t-shirt, drenched in sweat and holding a glowing LED contraption.
“Bro – NOW it’s time!”
As I worked into his shoulders, I saw waves of sweat wring out from his clothes. It didn’t matter. His head would roll back and he seemed to go somewhere else.
Afterwards, he’d give another hug. A big, sweaty hug that never seemed to bother me. Rather, it seemed like a bonding moment for us to share in the middle of everything happening around us.
I loved massaging Ryan because he received them with love. I shouldn’t have to write this, but it was never a ‘gay thing’ of any sort. Rather, I loved that man like a brother.
Those moments were truly beautiful, too.
2am and the lights are dancing an incredible array across the walls of an industrial warehouse. The speakers make every bone in your body shake. The crowd you’ve been dancing with has been together for hours; weaving themself into a beautiful harmony of expression, drugs and human connection.
And there in the middle of it, two guys loving each other the way you rarely see expressed in men – because of our walls and self-made fortresses that keep others out.
Then one day, Ryan was gone.
It was a call I didn’t want to get. Ryan had a fatal car accident.
And just like that, his life was gone. Eclipsed in the shadow of Mount Shasta; his final vision quest.
Some moments are meant to be experienced for but a split fraction of our lives. Those people, experiences, places and challenges are some of the most pivotal things that mold us as human people.
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