Few people look back and read my blogs. Fewer still read them as much as I do. They’re a way to look back at the years and see the way life has changed, with me holding along for the ride. I hope someday I’ll look back at this blog and slap myself on the back for making it further; making life better than what it was when I wrote the blog.
I’ve found that as I get older, life has begun to take new tolls as I proceed down its path. I look back fondly at some memories, while remaining haunted by others that I wish could have gone differently. It is hard to admit that I feel like a chaotic mess at moments in my life, but I do.
There’s an old tale called For the Want of a Nail, which chronicles the difference a nail can make in a kingdom…
…for the want of a break
…for the want of a child
…for the want of respect
As a single dad, I’ve found life challenging in ways I didn’t know possible. No course is designed to prepare you for the pain, difficulty and tears you face in this journey – which are often experienced alone and without anybody there to be a much-needed shoulder to lean on for support – or to catch your tears.
I used to wake up every day and feel like a champion-in-the-making working my way through life. Those times were full of excitement and promise.
These days, I feel like a prize fighter that’s been through too many rounds and is starting to count the boxers in front of him, trying to figure out where to swing.
My hardest battle has been the lack of a support system, and I admit that void has pushed me to many moments of hurt. Every day, I try to wipe on a new smile and pretend that I’m not screaming on the inside – but I find that a difficult mask to continue wearing.
I look at a lot of families and feel pain inside at my void of what they’re experiencing; making the best memories of their lives, with the people they love unconditionally.
I didn’t imagine that life could be this difficult. It makes me look at the problems I faced earlier in my life and realize what a breeze they really were, despite feeling like mountains. I try to remember that someday this struggle will also seem simple and easy – someday.
“Someday” can feel like an eternity when you’re trying to make it through “today”.