The White Horse

When the fight begins within
himself, a man’s worth something.”

– Robert Browning, 1855 –

I must be worth quite a bit, these days. See, there has been a large fight and inner-struggling going on within me; my mind has been facing reality and beginning to sum up just what is required to embark on this blessing of a life we have. While my previous postings might come across as depressing or project feelings of despair, these moments have been the best times of my life. For the first time in many years I am thinking clearly. I finally see truth for what it is – and my heaviness comes not from depression, but from the burden I carry from now realizing just how high a cost must be paid for the ability to attain our dreams and goals. I believe every leader must go through this period of time, as it is a wilderness that shapes the foundation of his/her life.

That being said, one of the more difficult parts of recent days has been in that I am finally beginning to see everything for just what it is. Everything I used to look to for happiness and enjoyment is now staring at me with eyes that blame me for my current circumstances. I have been told by a mentor of mine that we must impress two sets of eyes in life “Our heavenly Father and the man you see in the mirror. If you can keep both happy, you are doing the right thing.” Well, what happens when you despise the man in the mirror because you realize you are your biggest enemy and hindrance to attaining the desires of your own heart? How do you enjoy staring at the pair of eyes keeping you from realizing your dreams?

I have found no way to reconcile or turn down the volume of the voice that has been screaming inside of my head to become more; work harder, conquer your battles, and take advantage of the opportunities in front of you. I have the blessing of having individuals around me who are capable of identifying my worst weaknesses. However, I have been cursed with the ability to justify myself out of any of my attempts to overcome my own human frailties. It’s the voice that tells me it is ok to sleep in, or waste just one more minute of time. Time’s not promised, baby. I’m gambling with chips I can never pay for.

Every night I go to bed with frustration for not taking advantage of the day. I wake up with the mindset that somehow that day will be different and I will be able to take it by the horns. I then go to bed with frustration for not taking advantage of the day. Repeat daily.

My lesson for today was that our problems are avoidable and preventable. For example, if I do not take life seriously now, there will be long-lasting ramifications I’d rather avoid. If I do not take ownership of my mind and emotions, I could develop long-term problems. If I do not sacrifice everything I have in these times, there will be future times where I won’t be able to have anything at all. If I do not take care of my body now, I will develop health issues later. The list continues.

Ownership now eliminates problems later. Ownership eliminates problems.

Here I am. This is now. Tomorrow is then. This is now. I do not want tomorrow to be like now. I don’t want tomorrow to feel like another wasted day.

Here we go.

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