A Way

“In the endless universe there has been nothing new, nothing different. What has appeared exceptional to the minute mind of man has been inevitable to the infinite Eye of God. This strange second in a life, that unusual event, those remarkable coincidences of environment, opportunity, and encounter…all of them have been reproduced over and over on the planet of a sun whose galaxy revolved once in two hundred million years and has revolved nine times already. There has been joy. There will be joy again.”

Believe it or not, I’ve tried to find the above quote for over three years. Off and on, of course. It has been found, so the Google gods may finally be at peace.

I have to admit that at this point in my life, I’ve reached a pleasant point of unpleasant surrender to G-d and the path ahead. I’ve been learning the intense lesson of trusting my future to Him, rather than trying to dictate and guide it myself. This is not to contradict myself as I’ve stated before that we are responsible for what happens in our lives, as I believe we are. However, it’s the realization that a lot of elements of my life were based on assumptions and things I once thought to be a given.

In the course of my life, I have met a lot of people who are angry or bitter at G-d as a result of one unfortunate circumstance or another. Truth be told, there have been several times where I’ve shaken my minuscule fist in His direction, shouting harsh words and feelings of resentment. The phone dropped to the floor with my tears and body following, as I was the recipient of the worst news a son could ever hear. It was in these places of most confusion and distress that I reached an ultimate point of peace and serenity in G-d, as it finally became quite clear to me just how much of our lives is dependent upon His hands.

In this current position, I feel similar sentiments coming at me, though I am swerving away from the distress and frustration that used to accompany these times; moving instead towards a position of trust and peace in our Heavenly Father, while taking the time to laugh about recent moments where I had doors slammed shut in my face. Such a moment happened this afternoon as I was preparing to work out (my favorite distraction from uncertain times) and as I bent to tie my shoelaces, a first back spasm rocked my spine; the result of a previous injury I sustained while loading my car last week. It was enough to drop me to the floor in pain (the third time this week). Laying on the ground, with my head facing the ceiling, I couldn’t help but laugh at the entire situation; another instance of me trying to find distraction rather than laying it at the feet of G-d.

Sometimes it takes a back spasm to remind you that we are human beings, wholly dependent upon G-d for every breath we have. Other times, it takes the death of a loved one to jolt us into a place where we begin to live our lives, rather than wasting it.

So here we are. One step further from where we were, while one step closer towards who we are to become.

I don’t necessarily find intense enjoyment or joy within every lesson He teaches me, as many of them aren’t on the fun side. However, I’m learning to view these lessons with the understanding that G-d is good, just, fair, and loving, with the purpose of these lessons being personal development and ultimately forming into the Man of G-d that I was made to be.

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