Ever since I was a boy, I remember feeling deeply. As an adult, I’ve discovered that age hasn’t done anything to reduce – or mute – the way that I feel, as it has with the energy I have in the morning when I get out of bed.
In many ways, it’s dawning on me that I’m nearing the age of 40 and still have yet to have a life that I can look at and be proud of. I used to look at people who were wealthy and feel a sense of longing to be more like them. Now, I look at people that have together-families and feel a deep sadness in my heart that I don’t have what they have.
Is the grass always greener on the other side? Perhaps.
The past few years have been instrumental in teaching me a lot. They’ve transformed and defined my relationship with God, solidified my occupation as a Father and have reinforced the girders of the structure that make me…me. Throughout all of it, I’ve continued to wrestle with the way that I feel from day to day.
If I’m honest with myself and the readers on this blog, a great measure of my happiness and joy is ‘painted on’ overneath a deep well of hurt, pain and unsettled emotion.
This week, I uploaded my entire collection of online writing (since the age of 12) into an AI model, and asked it to comment on what it learned about me as a person. One of the things that stood out to me was its comment that I haven’t allowed the ‘thorns to detract from the roses’ in my life.
There have been a lot of ‘thorns’ in my life, as there have also been a great deal of roses. When I look around at my home, life and accomplishments, I don’t feel a deep sense of longing-for-more.
When I could barely buy a beer, I occupied a large corner office and commanded a team of over 30 employees – something many people don’t get to do until much later in their lives/career. When I was 16, I dreamed of having a corner office in my 40’s.
There are a lot of ‘milestones’ you can make in your life. For example, the thrill of having your first apartment, house, or business. Other milestones seem to be more heartfelt – like visiting a doctor for an ultrasound of your first child, or celebrating Christmas together with your children. You truly don’t know the value of these moments until you look at them and see them in the rearview mirror.
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