There’s a beautiful thing that happens to a caterpillar before it becomes a butterfly; its entire body transforms into liquid, in a process known as ‘chrysalis’, before it becomes a butterfly. While there are a lot of important steps a caterpillar takes before taking flight as a butterfly – such as gorging itself for half of its life – chrysalis is one of the most important parts of the transformation it makes.
I’ve never heard anybody speculate about what goes on in the mind of a caterpillar as it goes through its transformation. Rather, we often assume that it’s just an instinctual process and the caterpillar is fully-aware of what’s occuring. I’m not sure that’s the case, because that’s not how I feel when I go through my own chapters of transformation.
In my case, every period of transformation has been accompanied by an internal scream that would deafen stadiums were I to let it out. As the years have ticked by, I’ve learned how to lean into transformation periods with less feeling of internal pain and uncertainty. However, my ‘mental’ period of torment has yet to mute itself as I approach each corner that has something completely new for me on the other side.
There are various ways people go about their lives in the way they pursue their own success. For some, studying in their 20’s is meant to provide a springboard in which they jump into their career. For others – including myself – life has been a collective period of diving headfirst into new experiences, opportunities and situations that have each yielded an ‘ingredient’ which I catalogued in my mind as I continued down the path of being – and becoming – myself.
During the last year (2024) I spent a large amount of time processing, as well as shedding and releasing mental weight from things that I recognized won’t serve me in the future. I also came to the realization that there are some things I’m not just good at doing – I’m an expert at doing them. As time has gone by, my proficiency in these areas has increased and I’ve enjoyed the scavenger hunt of weaving together skills that have been able to provide a good living for me and Atlas.
In college, there was never a class called “How to ask the right question 101” or “How to qualify others 211”. Those were lessons that life tends to teach those who are willing to pay attention. This might sound elegant, but a lot of these lessons are more akin to running at full speed, only to be course-corrected by somebody swinging a baseball bat into the side of your head to alter your direction. At least, that’s how much of my ‘growth’ has felt.
I dreamed of being a Dad in a loving family; playing quarterback for the winning team with the people I love. Instead, I became a single Dad and got thrown in the middle of the ring with an opponent, whose purse money comes out of my own pocket. That broke my heart and spirit in ways that I still cannot articulate.
In that ring, I fight for Atlas. Every blow I take is one I hope that he never has to receive someday, and I do my best to set an example for him that he can look up to. I hope that he never knows what pain I experienced as I did my best between the 18 rounds that represent his life. More importantly, I hope that he never has to experience it for himself.
Every parent dreams of making a better life for their children. However, we live in a world now where it’s become increasingly difficult for a middle-class American to build a future for their children – rather, they fight tirelessly to simply provide a ‘today’ for their dependents, because that’s all they’re able to scrap together as the cost of milk and eggs skyrocket.
If you go organic and cage-free, you’re barely left with change for a $20 when you get a gallon and a dozen.
Last week, I went through a few sitautions that scared me, because I could tell that a period of chrysalis is on the horizon. After a day full of back-to-back meetings, I found myself practically squirming (I was) in my seat to finish the last call, despite it being one that was highly productive – and lucrative. I could tell that internally, something was changing and it wasn’t my circumstances; it was me.
Things just didn’t feel ‘right’ anymore, and I could tell that a changing-of-the-guards was around the corner, just as I felt during the last few months I worked at my job in the tech industry; something was about to be shed.
For nearly 20 years, I’ve worked tirelessly in a line of occupation that has provided a great lifestyle, income stream and set of challenges that have been rewarding to overcome. In the first ‘trimester’ of my career, I remember working for days and nights without sleep; often sleeping on the floor of my office and drinking day-old coffee in the morning after catching a few winks.
I don’t want to grind like that anymore. Beyond my desire is the recognition that I simply can’t. It would kill me, just as the long hours eventually pushed my own Dad into his coffin and left me a stranded 20 year-old without a Dad.
For many, life is a dog-eat-dog world, rather than a canvas that’s given to each individaul to paint with the minutes and hours of time they’re blessed with. “I no dog.”
There’s something new on the horizon for me this year, though I don’t know yet what it will be. However, I do know who I’m doing things for, and he’s sound asleep next to me as I type this blog.
“Slide.”
No Comments