Mi Amor

This morning, I finished The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. A book about Heaven and Hell, the author takes us through a dream where he is taken to Heaven. In my 34 years, this book most closely resembles my own interpretation of the ‘afterlife’ – which weaves itself into each day we experience as human beings.

The author eloquently paints pictures that capture objects within the fourth (and higher) dimensions, broken down in understandable ways that a simple reader can understand, though the concepts are beyond our full comprehension.

In the book, he writes about love – which can’t exist if it isn’t reciprocated. Additionally, he writes that many people chase love with the intention of being loved rather than seeking love in and of itself. The difference between these two intentions is staggering.

Love is something that has resonated deep in my soul since I was a little boy. I vowed to be a ‘beacon of love’ with my life, and show unconditional love to all of those I came across. Yet, I’ve realized that showing unconditional love for myself hasn’t been as much of a priority for me as my desire to show it to others, which has created a massive deficit in my system.

This deficit has been a burden I’ve carried for years; often, masked behind a large smile and laugh. Beneath the smile, I’ve carried deep scars of pain, shame, regret and feelings of failure. This pain has perpetuated itself as I’ve struggled to be free. I’ve longed to feel like I ‘have it together’ like the next guy. I’ve dreamed of waking up and finding joy in the mornings instead of the pain I carry.

Somewhere inside, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like I deserve to be successful or free. I carry shame from my regrets that has clouded my feeling of worthiness to be happy. This manifested itself in painful addictions, verbal abuse and a disastrous cycle of up’s and down’s.

Yet, somewhere there is hope. Somewhere there is a day where things will be better. Someday there will be love, laughter and joy filling the walls of my home. Until that day arrives, I will continue to wait, trust and hope there’s a plan for my life that is bigger than the limited scope I have each day.

 

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